COMING OUT STORY - CÁTIA
I was eighteen when I first realised I liked people of the same sex. At that time, I paid it no mind, like it wasn’t a big deal, and never really thought about it again. Until I was twenty, and I realised I was ONLY attracted to people of the same sex.
I had a hard time accepting it myself. I remember looking in the mirror and not being able to say it out loud (I’m gay). I felt scared, anxious. Ashamed.
The first (and only) person I came out to was my mom. Although I knew she was very loving and understanding, this was not a topic that was talked about where we grew up. In our small village, everyone is extremely traditional and conventional, and everything out of the norm is typically frowned upon. So I felt like I needed to tell her, to explain to her that I wasn’t traditional or conventional; that I didn’t fit the mould our society forced on us (the force of the masses… boring).
She said she accepted it, accepted me, but I knew she was caught by surprise. I knew she would need time to understand it, to understand me.
At the beginning, I would hear comments such as “Are you sure?”, “How do you know, if you’ve never been in a relationship?” Or “That’s just a phase”. I know those comments were motivated by ignorance rather than malice (still, they hurt me, deeply).
Some nights, I would cry myself to sleep, hoping the next day my mind would be clearer and I would be brave. Brave enough to stand my ground, to stand up for myself. But then I would just doubt myself, thinking “Am I really sure?”, “Do I really know myself?” or “Maybe she’s right, this is just a phase…”
How could someone else know me better than myself? Me, the one living inside MY body, the one controlling MY mind, the one experiencing MY feelings and emotions…
As an act of rebellion, or maybe just a way of expressing myself, I completely changed the way I dressed, changed my hairstyle and my attitude. I came to the realisation that I didn’t really care about how others perceived me, or about who others thought I was. I knew who I was, and that was enough for me.
The advice I can give others who might be going through similar situations is to be true to yourself (cliché, I know, but it is true). Take the time to reflect, to talk with your inner self, in order to get centred and to understand where you are and where you want to be. Hopefully, the people around you will be understanding and loving, and deserving of accompanying you along the way, but if that’s not the case, that is not a good enough reason for you not to continue your journey. Be brave, stand up for yourself; I can guarantee that the destination is worth it! There is nothing more liberating, freeing and joyful than feeling good in your own skin!
The first memory I have of feeling truly happy in my own skin is when I was walking through the streets of Aix-en-Provence (where I was living at the time), and I remember looking at girls passing by and thinking, with a big smile on my lips, “Damn, I’m gay!” From that day forward, I’ve never looked back, never doubted myself again!
You can follow Cátia’s journey on Instagram @catiarodrigues84