COMING OUT STORY - DANIEL
When have you realised you were also attracted to people of the same sex?
I was 15 years of age when I was set off by my mom’s remark that I was constantly talking about a male friend, I introspectively realised I was experiencing a romantic attraction towards that friend.
How was the process of accepting this within yourself?
It started with rejection out of fear of being hurt by society and the one’s I loved and loved me back. I forcibly tried to convert myself into being heterosexual, from forcing myself into consuming heterosexual porn to punishing myself every time I had a homosexual thought or emotion. After one year of abusing myself, I had to accept that no matter what would be the cost of being myself, I had to at least love myself for who I was, even if no one else would. From this self-acceptance came the indestructible feeling that even if I was abandoned and rejected by everyone I thought loved me, I would have myself and that would always be enough.
How was your coming out? Who did you tell first?
I came out firstly to strangers. Secondly, I came out to my then best friend and closest friends. Thirdly, confronted by my mom about the sadness of my first break-up, she was the first one in my family that I came out to. Coming out to strangers and feeling their unconditional acceptance, because they had also travelled the same path, made me feel that I would never have to feel lonely if I ought to lose everyone I loved because of their rejection. Coming out to similar humans made the process of saying the words “I am gay” that much easier, knowing the rejection was not in the equation, only comprehension and open arms.
What were your fears and uncertainties during this process?
Even if knowing I would always have myself in the face of abandonment and rejection from everyone I knew and loved, I was always fearful of not being tenacious enough to not regress into the closet just to be accepted. The biggest uncertainty was always what would be the spaces I would feel safe and welcome into and which new connections would flourish out of me being myself.
Do you have any piece of advice for other people that may be going through the same?
Always be patient enough to try and realise what’s your inner voice and what’s the outer world’s voice in your mind.
What is the first memory you have of feeling truly happy in your own skin?
Pride 2023, London. It felt like one of the many peaks of my life’s work of self-acceptance with the conscience that my self-work still needs to be worked on continuously.
You can follow Daniel’s journey on Instagram @__d_rb__